July 16, 2011

It's Written on the Wind, It's Everywhere I Go


You know what? It's actually not social network that has taken over our lives, but this giant monopoly called google. I mean, obviously facebook is more popular than it has ever been, especially among teenagers; yet, it is only some sort of a playground (with its very own storms in the sandbox)  to us to which we might get have already got addicted easily, but cannot (and should not) take completely seriously. After all, we keep admitting to ourselves that it is only a waste of time, something that only distracts us from work or any kind of efficent, constructive offline activity. We enter the fields of social network when we crave distraction, when we want to procrastinate, just a few more minutes of fun until I get down to business, just let me take  one little peek at what has happened out there in the super-duper & ever so superfical world of facebook, let me check my notifications just one last time, before it's really high time I started working (sounds familiar?). 

We may spend ever so long minutes logged onto facebook on a daily basis; still, what was supposed to connect us, ended up withholding us from actual, real-life socializing by locking us to the flickering screen of our computers. Hence, had it been shut down by some miraculous reason, once the symptoms of withdrawal have wore off, we would be able to go on, like it never happened, like we never wasted those long and precious hours chatting, posting, liking, commenting, tagging, and stalking people whom we hardly or don't know at all. We would spend those freshly regained hours with doing some actually constructive activities, or, more likely, we would eventually find some other distruction. Still, it would be yet another playground to us. 

However, the thing that is impossible to avoid and not to come across on a daily basis if you are such an avid internet user (or should I say complete, incurable addict?), as I am, is google. Since, unlike facebook, it is not rubbed into our faces in every other second, we are not harrased to like some idiot company's page in every bloody advert may it be on a random page of the internet, on giant billboards, or on the paper bags of a pastry franchise. Still, google is there, google is everywhere, google is all around. It it written on the wind, it is everwhere I go.*

 Once I turn on my computer, google search is my opening page. God only knows how many times a day I hit the search button. A large number of times I only check the correct spelling of a word (don't you?), but in the majority of the cases I do succeed in finding useful information. Whenever a question pops up that we don't know the answer to, the first thought that comes to mind is: "Let's google it!" And we do. And if you know how to use google properly, you will find the answers to most of your questions, and not just the correct spelling of a certain word. 

Then there's my gmail account. It is my virtual post box, where all my precious mail (and all that spam, and useless newsletters that I always throw into the trash without reading, yet, I cannot be bothered to unsubscribe...) is delivered, where I can receive, send, and store formal & informal letters of all kinds. Then there is google calendar. I only use it for work, nevertheless, it is essential, as I  can easily keep track the lessons I give, and whenever an event is changed, I am notified via email. I check it several times a day, I cannot work/live without it. 

My next important google page is google reader which is my virtual, enormous newpaper with currentl, local, cultural, DIY, entertainment, fashion, photography, fun etc. sections. I follow about 200 (or even more?) blogs, and thanks to google reader, I don't have to open each every blog on a daily basis and see whether there is a new post in a certain blog I follow, but it's there, gathered in one long, ever so growing stream on one page. Obviously, I also use blogger for blogging, and every once in a while google map & google earth. 

Now, can you see how google is there everywhere & all around? It is almost like air, you can't see it, you can't feel it, don't acknowledge it every second, yet, it is inevitable to use it,  in fact, you simply cannot avoid using it. Naturally, I could switch to other services: I could use yahhoo (I don't even know how to spell it... I have to google the spelling. Isn't that ironic, or what?) as my email account, or wordpress for blogging, but it just never occurs to me to yahoo the answer, when I don't know something. Now that's what I call efficient marketing/PR ! 

And the most interesting thing about google is, that it has a very positive public image.  People generally dislike monopolies, as most of us roots for the Davids and not the Goliaths of the world. It's simply because we don't want one, giant bad boy to take over the world. Yet, when you think of google, the giant, let-me-take-over-the-world guy of the interwebs, you think of something nice, helpful, and colorful, don't you? Now why is that? Obviously, there are some seriously creative guys (with very niiiice paychecks in their backpockets) in an a very chic and cool-looking (and should I add colorful?) office somewhere who bend their backs on a daily basis, so this enormous monopoly that is has already taken over the world wide web evokes positive feelings in its users. Still, it feels like they do it effortlessly, it comes somewhat naturally. And that's the way we like it, don't we?

Oh, and have I mentioned that the newest thing around is google+? But you have already heard of it, haven't you? Cause the word spreads pretty fast in the world of google.  It is google's answer to facebook: it is social network, but, hopefully, it is of the useful kind where the emphasis is on sharing info, and not on exhibitionist teenagers spamming the internet with their trashy and ever so superficial and show-offy self-portraits. Now, how does that sound for a change? Quite utopian, doesn't it? Still, I am pretty sure, once it  spreads, google+ will also have its trashy ways, but until then let's just wait & see how this thing turns out. 
And now, if you really love me, come on and let it show*, and hit that like button under the post.
PS: How come I don't have a +1 button under my posts?
 
* Wet Wet Wet - Love Is All Around 
 

July 14, 2011

Those Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer (pt. 2)


Those long, freedom-filled, but oh-so sweaty and sticky days of summer have hit me like a train on a track, coming towards me, stuck still no turning back, Ihid around corners and I hid under beds, I killed it with kisses and from it I fled, with every bubble I sank with a drink, and I still could not wash it away down the kitchen sink*. 

I don't know whether it's the heat, or that I work relatively lot, but I got way too lazy lately to blog... I am spending most of the summer in Budapest, teaching at the language school. Thank god there's work to do, and people who don't speak English at all or well enough, because it means that I won't starve in the coming months; in fact, I can put food on the table and roof over head. I give about 15-16 lessons per week these days which is, as I said, relatively lot, compared to the circa 9-10 I usually had in the previous months. It is still only about 4-5 hours of work per day from Monday till Thursday, yet, I find talking, explaining, concentrating, and being on my toes  (and playing a bloody dictionary, which I loath. I mean common, I am an English teacher, and NOT a dictionary. Do I have Angol-Magyar, magyar-angol kéziszótár written on my forehead, or what?!?) for four consecutive hours rather tiring, especially in this heat, with no A/C (or a fan!) in the school. 

So once I get home at about eight in the evening, I have dinner, then get stuck in front of the internet, mainly tumblr & google reader, try to scan through all those hundreds of blogs I follow, while trying to chill myself and the room with the fan. (Thank god I bought one! Best investment you can ever make in the summer.) Then, when I get sleepy and tired of the internet & scanning through boring blog posts & pictures filled with cliche quotes, I finally turn off the laptop, go to bed, heat myself with the spotlamp above my bed, and read until I can't keep my eyes open. I am too lazy even to answer emails & fb messages. But it's time I gathered and pushed myself to write and blog, cause there are things to write about, even though my summer is not even half as exciting as I had hoped it would be. 

Nevertheless, despite of the fact that my days are somewhat monotonous, the heat is hardly bearable, especially on public transport where everybody is sticky, stinky, and sweating like a horse, and the dorm is being ripped apart that comes with a good deal of hammering, drilling, knocking, dust, and annoying nuisance of all kinds, I am having quite peaceful and relatively happy days. There isn't too much to worry about these days which I haven't had the pleasure to experience for about six or seven months. Well, except for one thing, though, which is how my life will turn out to be from September. It's still a question whether I got accepted to MA studies at ELTE or not. I don't have to wait too much though, as the results will be revealed on 20th. Although I am quite positive I don't want to go there anymore, I would still be disappointed if I weren't accepted. (Try to figure me out...)

I guess it's because I would see it as (another) failure and proof of my inadequacy. Plus then I would have to make some decisions very quickly, such as figuring out what I want to do from September, where I would live, whether I would be able to make a living by working only at the language school. I should most certainly find another job then. And this whole moving on & really growing up process is scary. Or maybe surely I am not brave enough. So that's the only reason why I hope I did not screw anything up with my application and will be accepted. 

But then there's also another part of me that wishes I wouldn't get accepted, cause then I would have to look fear straight in the eye and go out of my comfort zone. 

Conclusion: figuring out myself and what I want to do is not easy at all. In fact, it's more complicated than anything else I can imagine. 
(And it is not at all what I had wanted to write about.)

* The Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine.


July 8, 2011

"Listen to me: I said you need to strive to be better than everyone else. I didn’t say you need to be better than everyone else. But you gotta try. And that’s what character is: it’s in the trying." Coach Taylor, Friday Night Lights


the awkward hilarious moment when you eat watermelon with a fork.
'cause that's how your mom put it down in front of you: melon cubed, accompanied by a rather large fork.
it's your very first melon in the season. and it's truly, deeply summer, with pretty pink sunset and the whirling sound of the fan in the background.
i love summer.
i love melon more.
but it's my mom that i love the most.

July 3, 2011

Reading List 2011, Part 1

Have you realized that it's July already? Well, just from looking out of the window, you might think it's October already, and we completely skipped summer. But actually, it's July 3rd, which means we are done with the first half of the year. Time sure passes fast, huh? It also means that I am half way through my 50 Book Challenge (or 52, I am not very constant on the number). Since I haven't written about my readings since I don't know when, I guess it's time I started catching up, and, as a first step, list the books I have read during the first six months of 2011.
So here it goes: 
  1. Kit szerettem? Mit szerettem? by Polcz Alaine
  2. Hazaviszlek, jó? by Tóth Krisztina
  3. Leányregény by Polcz Alaine
  4. Utas és Holdvilág by Szerb Antal
  5. Vonalkód by Tóth Krisztina
  6. A test angyala by Parti-Nagy Lajos
  7. Esti Kornél by Kosztolányi Dezső
  8. Párizs fű alatt by Lángh Júlia
  9. Egy budai úrilány by Lángh Júlia
  10. Kis kiruccanás by Anna Gavalda
  11. Szeretném, ha valahol valaki várna rám by Anna Gavalda
  12. Túl a Maszat-hegyen by Varró Dániel
  13. Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert
  14. Reflection on the Bell Jar by Pat McPherson
  15. Bitter Fame by Anne Stevenson
  16. The Death and Life of Sylvia Plath by Ronald Hayman
  17. The Cambridge Introduction to Sylvia Plath by Jo Gill
  18. The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan (well, half of it. should finish it during summer.)
  19. The Silent Woman by Janet Malcolm
  20. One Day by David Nicholls
  21. Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen
  22. The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen
  23. The Awakening by Kate Chopin
  24. Daisy Miller by Henry James
  25. Just Listen by Sarah Dessen
  26. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (audio book)
  27. Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin
  28. The Carrie Diaries by Candance Bushnell
  29. Szajna-parti kaland by Vaszary János
Currently reading:
  • As Always, Julia: Letters of Julia Child and Avis DeVoto (still reading, it's my let-me-read-a-few-pages-until-I-fall-asleep book)
  • Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger
  • This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen 
(Yep, I still like reading multiple books at a time.)
So, as you can see from the list above, I am doing quite well with the challange regarding the number of books. However, I am so so behind with reflecting on them... I have only written about the first four... then days got hectic, and I never had the time to do so. I wish I could promise that I will definitely catch up with the reviews too during summer, but  honestly, I highly doubt I will. If I am in the mood, I might write about a few, the ones that I really loved and really left an imprint in me. I might write a couple of lines about a few of them, or maybe about most of them. The thing is though, that I read the first twelve books four or five months ago, and I may remember the main plot, whether I liked or not, whether it's worth reading or not, but I fail to remember the details, the really important bits, the feelings it awoke in me, the reasons why I loved or did not really like a certain book. In order to give a half decent review I should reread them... some of them I might do in a year or two, but not right now, not just for the sake of a review. So, the point is that I might write about some of them, might not. We will see. I might surprize myself. Or not. Who knows?

Anyway, I am glad I will have quite a lot of free time in the next couple of months, and I can finally start going through and indulge myself in that enormous stack of books I piled up in the previous months. Here is a sample of  what I am planning to read, just to give you a bit of an idea:
  • Sisterhood Everlasting by Ann Brashares
  • Starter for Ten by David Nicholls
  • The Long Way Around by Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman
  • The Long Way Down By Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman
  • My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares
  • Friday Night Lights by H.G. Bissinger
  • A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius by David Eggers
  • Gilmore Girls Companion by A.S. Berman
  • Blueeyed Boy by Joanne Harris
  • The Shipping News by Annie Proulx
  • The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
  • Coco Chanel by Axel Madsen
  • A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf
  • The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
I will probably take over either Szabó Ervin or the library in Miskolc in a couple of weeks, rip them off with a dozen volumes, then end up reading totally different books. Can hardly wait!

July 2, 2011

the dog days are over


i guess it's high time i gathered myself and finally started writing again. 
on the 22nd i did pass the state exam, and i got a 3. but then afterwards, just as i usually do after the really big moments in life, i felt so disappointed and empty. it's not about the grade itself, though. i could never really care about my grades, i have never been the goodie-two-shoes straight-As student who goes nuts when she gets a B. i simply refuse to be evaluated on a crappy 1 to 5 scale in an educational system where one means i am a total failure and utterly inadequate, and five means i am excellent and rock the world. i mean, seriously? how can we let bloody numbers define our adequacy??? 

nevertheless, it's pretty hard when you are the only fish in the river trying to swim against the tide, when you are surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of overachievers to whom even a four is a disappointment. there isn't too much of a chance to resist the feeling of being an utter disappointment, is there?
so i let the feeling of being a disappointment and being completely inadequate wash over me after the state exam. i rushed home, kinda fell apart, questioned my entire existence and adequacy to succeed in life, saw myself as a total failure, licked my wounds for a few days. and never, not even for a mere second, have i appreciated my finishing university and earning a degree. i guess i am the kinda gal who appreciates only the little things, and never the big ones. maybe i suck at seeing the entire, big picture.

anyway, my point is, that i wasn't disappointed with the grade itself that i got, but my performance. the performance was, indeed, a disappointment & failure. picked crappy topics, got a bitchy opponent to whom no answer was good enough, i froze, i could hardly put proper english sentences together. there were loooong awkward periods of silence during the exam. i could not gather my thoughts, i fell apart, i failed to answer the answers. during one of those long awkward pauses i was actually thinking about just getting up and leaving the entire exam without saying a word. in the next moment i was thinking what a shame it was that i hadn't had my polaroid camera with me, i could have snapped a polaroid photo of the line of people sitting opposite me, looking incredibly bored, clearly bored out of their genius minds, totally wanting to be somewhere else, anywhere but there, examining us retarted bastards, trying to put our hands on a bloody degree. like a crappy ba degree worth any-flippin'-thing. i guess it will take me quite some time to forget those bored, disdainful, haughty, disappointed looks they keept shooting at me. 

then, in the end, they did let me go, with the grade that's the most average of the avarages, and i left feeling the most average i had ever felt. yet, the reason why i felt really bad is because i know i am better than this. i am better than average. i am so much better than what i showed there, that day, during those awful twenty minutes. i know so much more than what came out that day. there was so much left in that should have come out, but never did.

still, life goes on, and i am slowly gathering myself, starting to think about the future, trying to figure out what i should do next. as i got more time to think, quarter-life-panic has hit me again, and i am struggling to decide whether i should study for another two years and earn an ma degree (in case i got accepted), or i should finally start the so-called adult life, find a flat, or at least a room of my own, move out of the dorm, find a proper full-time job, start working and make a living. then, i am also beginning to enjoy my freedom, a tiny bit more every day, and thinking about the things i had to postpone because of this hectic last semester of mine and all that craziness, worrying, and freaking out it entailed. i may even write a nice little long list about what i will do this summer, all the things i have been wanting to do for months but never had the time. i probably won't do half of them, but at least i have the possibility and the opportunity to do so. 

i will stop feeling like a disappointment, pick my self up, dust my self off, and enjoy my summer of freedom. i will go to places, i will see things, i will read and write my heart out. i will blog about whatever pops into my head. i will get creative again. i will take a thousand photos of a hundred sunsets and a hundred sunrises.  i will hit the road and visit my friends here and there in the country. i will roam the streets of budapest day and night. i will bath myself in balmy starry summer nights and crispy dawns. i will paint with waterpaint, i will draw immature childish pictures, use all of my color pencils, and glue things together, decoupage every bare surface i find, and finally make a scrapbook, 'cause i have been putting it off for years, literally. i will lay in the greenest of grasses, read the softest of paperbacks, write with ink colored every single shade of the rainbow, scribble until i fill every single line of the pretty pink pages of my brand new notebook, hop on my bike at the end of the day, ride down to the brink of the village, race the sunset, and try to catch the last colorful beams of the descending sun. take a photo of it. or two. or a thousand.
so let the good times roll. 

(and fuck the hungarian higher education system)

June 21, 2011

word of the day


freak (out) definition

  1. in.
    to panic; to lose control. :  I was so frightened, I thought I would freak.
  2. n.
    a bad drug experience; a psychotic reaction to the drug LSD. (Drugs. Usually freak-out or freakout.) :  Some of them get turned off to drugs by a really good freakout.
  3. n.
    a wild party of any type; any exciting happening. (Usually freak-out or freakout.) :  There is a big freak-out at Freddy's joint tonight.
  4. n.
    a freaked (out)person. (Usually freak-out or freakout.) :  Some poor freak-out sat in the corner and  rocked.

    (source)
     

    Oh, God, I hope I won't fail tomorrow. It would be so darn embarrassing. I wish it was over, already.

June 15, 2011

"There were days when she was very happy without knowing why. She was happy to be alive and breathing, when her whole being seemed to be one with the sunlight, the color, the odors, the luxuriant warmth of some perfect Southern day. She liked then to wander alone into strange and unfamiliar places. She discovered many a sunny, sleepy corner, fashioned to dream in. And she found it good to dream and to be alone and unmolested.
There were days when she was unhappy, she did not know why,—when it did not seem worth while to be glad or sorry, to be alive or dead; when life appeared to her like a grotesque pandemonium and humanity like worms struggling blindly toward inevitable annihilation. She could not work on such a day, nor weave fancies to stir her pulses and warm her blood." The Awakening by Kate Chopin

This is one of those annoying, unhappy days, when life seems so useless, so pointless. There's no direction. There's no point. No goal. Only annihilation.
I simply cant get no work done today. So annoying.
I sooo don't have time for such gruesome days.

(I love Awakening, though.)








June 8, 2011

Pain in the You-Know-Where

I wonder why jobsearch ALWAYS gives me a headache.
Why do I ALWAYS end up completely freaked out after a couple of hours spent with jobhunt? My mind goes completely blank, and all I see is this vaaaast blackness instead of a more-or-less successful future.
How on earth will I EVER find a proper job with the education I got?
Seriously, it's a complete and utter MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.
And, I assume, it will not get easier once I have a degree under my belt.
Not even a tiny bit easier.
Will it?