"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

via thedeepz

Yep, that's my one and only to do list these days. Today has also been about getting stuck in front of the bloody internet in the morning: first looking for rooms to rent and job ads in Bristoll, then looking for job ads in Budapest (first possibly writing/journalism related ones, then anything that would take an English/American studies major who reads a lot, writes relatively well, but has no work experience or any other/particular qualifications), and freaking out upon realizing that I will never ever find not only a job that I like and enjoy, but any job, for that matter. 

This is what I always do to myself every once in a while: freak out, because I am already (almost) 24 y/o, still haven't got a degree, have no work experience, start looking for jobs like a maniac on the largest ad sites (the ones that came up first-second-third when I google job ads), get more and more desperate and hopeless by each minute I spend with looking, because with every single ad I read, I realize that I have no (hardly any?) chance to find a job, as an English degree worths nothing, says nothing, does not qualify me for anything. I also realize that  I spent the last 3-4 years with reading the finest of English and American literature, spent god only how many hours listening to history and lingustic lectures, preparing for tests and exams, not to mention doing researches and writing academic essays... (and the rest is yet to come). 

And it's all worth nothing, it was all worthless. It's all useless knowledge that I have in my head, for no one looks for/wants to hire a person with my kind of knowledge. Is there a position out there that requires my knowledge at all?

Somewhere in the back of my mind there's a hardly audible sound whispering that the situation isn't that bad (ISN'T IT???), and it will be all right sooner or later, all of  that knowledge cannot be completely worthless and useless. But I just can't believe that right now. 

So this is how my slightly altered list goes:

• get off the fucking internet

• get your shit together, meaning:

1. Try to be in bed earlier (I mean by midnight...) from now on (whooops, it's almost 1AM already, I guess I am not starting that today...)
2. Get up at a decent hour (no later than 8AM) every day
3. Go to all the different libraries you have to go and collect every book you need for thesis, first thing tomorrow
4. Read and do research for thesis, don't do it half-assed, but actually spend several hours with it every day (despite the fact that the deadline is still 4 months away, and you do everything in the very last second)
5. Write up bibliography and a presentable synopsys ASAP.
6. Make an appointment with advisor and consult her.

These should all be done by now, but I haven't been able to get my shit together for weeks, and I have been procrastinating since the new year's... The stressing and panicking is keeps getting worse by each day. I really really should stop this masochistic lifestyle ASAP.

That's all the whining I got for today. Congratulations on being able to read it all the way through.

(The qoute in the title is from Confucius.)