under the influence (of SZJG)

the word of the week ( the past two weeks? the whole month?) must be mubblefubbles.
according to a dictionary (that's a very specific citation, isn't it?), it's "depression of the spirits for no apparent reason, melancholy." also known unofficially and as i like to call it: the poops in the soul. but since mubblefubbles seems like a more ligit (and fun?) expression, from now on i am going to use it instead of the poops in the soul.

(yep, that is a heart shape  - the very one that i detest - in the picture.
but just for this time, it can definitely stay.)

 about ten days ago  i wrote this enormous post on my love and worship of the szent johanna gimi series by leiner laura. this very post will most likely be another one of the same kind, because i still have so many emotions and thoughts and anxiety in me about these books, nagging and bragging me to sit down already and write it all out. so i am trying to gather and let it all go at once and for all.

even though i was trying to keep myself away from the unread volumes 6 and 7, and i promised that i would not continue reading until it was after christmas, i did, of course. simply because i can resist temptation just as well as oscar wilde could. this is why and how i read  volume 6 before christmas, and then picked up vol. 7 on the 24th and finished it on the 28th. i cried and laughed through the last 100 (150?) pages, because it was both incredibly great and sad at the same time. just as i was done with vol. 7, mubblefubble washed over my mind and soul immediately. ever since then i just cannot get rid of the uncomfortable aching feeling in the bottom of my stomach. there's this constant anxiety lingering in me and around me, and this uneasy and irritating feeling is much like a strand of hair in my mouth or a pebble in my shoe. it's there, day and night, every single minute of the day, nagging me and reminding me of all these issues of mine and the issues of the leading characters as well. and i just cannot get rid of this feeling.

but then, somewhere in the meantime of my suffering it occurred to me that these books changed me in so many different ways. i realized that it's the growing pains i am suffering through and trying to deal with via writing. i am changing. this book has changed me and it is still changing me. i am also pretty sure that i will continue changing me in the future as well. my views, the way that i see and think of certain things. my taste taste in music, books, clothes and god only what else is changing. i am changing. i am growing up and growing old(er). it would be very easy to say that after reading all seven volumes of szent johanna gimi, all i am left with is my newfound love of the ramones and my rediscovered worship of the beatles and green day (and the fact that i have become a total basket case). but that's most certainly not the case. (or: it's not the only case.)

so, apart from wanting to go back to being a teenager again, being a part of that very class and group of friends and wanting to have a boyfriend like cortez, here are some of the ways SZJG influenced me in (listed randomly, as they came to my mind):

• as i finished the last published volume with its huge cliffhanger, an enormous infinite emptiness took over me. i was done with the book, and there was no more lines to read, so i put the book down, and looked around, trying to figure out what to do next, how to go on with my life. i had no idea. but the world went on like nothing has changed. except for me, of course. because it changed me in so many different ways. an now i am trying to find another book that can and will fill that infinite void and a book that can mean so much to me as SZJG did. well, it won't be easy to find, that's for sure. 
• SZJG made me miss my friends badly. being part of a group of friends. belonging to somewhere, hanging out and enjoying each other's comany, and having a jolly old time. laughing a lot and being mad in a good way. i am so so so friendsick (in a homesick kind of way). this whole long-distance relationship thing totally sucks on so many different levels.

• it made me miss being in love. having someone to hold hands with (again, the beatles said it all, didn't they?) and share my thoughts with and living in our bubble, just the two of us. having the butterflies in my stomach. those awkard, speecheless early moments, going on dates, sharing memories, falling deeper and deeper. the constant yearning to be close, closer, the closest, each and every day again and again. i want happiness to hit me like a train on a truck (florence). i want it now, already, like there's no tomorrow.

• due to the lack of any real person available and suitable, i fell in a hopeless, platonic love with cortez, the leading character. i don't think i have ever been in love with a fictional, literary character. (nope, not even with mr darcy. okay, maybe i had a crush on eric in the sisterhood of the travelling pants.) but you know, desperate times call for desperate actions.

• i cannot get rid of identifying myself with the leading characters and their problems. i get up at the middle of the night worrying about their problems, and facing with their issues. i cannot escape from their world. but i am not even sure if i want to. there's a huge part of me that wants to get out and be over this whole addiction thing already, but there's also another huge part of me that enjoys living in that alternative universe too much to leave it just yet. i am already thinking about starting to read the entire series again (it's awfully hard to resist the temptation!). i do know, however, that it would only be a vicious circle with no good consequences. and i have to concentrate on my own writing now, anyway.

• there's even a bustop in miskolc that reminds me of these books and the leading characters. since the bus i ride on a daily basis crosses that particular bustop (and the library where i got the books from) i am reminded of these books and characters at least once, every single day. when the bus passes that certain stop i get that funny feeling in my stomach. it's ridiculous, but still. it's there. i am that helpless.

• SZJG awoke the urge in me to learn to play the guitar. i never had any kind of musical education, and i never learnt to play any instrument. i never even did any sports outside the mandatory p.e. classes in school. but i have always regretted not learning to play any musical instruments, because i truly belive that i missed out on something important and beneficial. so now i am trying to catch up and undo the things i regret. i am investing in an acoustic guitar and planning to learn it all by myself in the very near future. i may not succeed, but how can i know if i don't even try? after all, it's in the trying. (that's one thing we learnt both from the coldplay and coach taylor, respectively .)

• SZJG introduced me to the ramones, the greatest punk-rock band in the history of music. baby, i love you! i am incredibly thankful for this discovery. (another reason to love cortez, of course.)

• SZJG made me dig up my beatles and green day discography, and now i am playing these way-better-than-fine tunes on constant repeat.

• SZJG made me buy a beatles t-shirt, and i am going to hunt down and buy a ramones t-shirt as well.

•  SZJG made me dig up this half-written, half-forgotten novel of mine. when i was done reading volume 5, and my head was filled with the gazillion different words i had read in the previous weeks, and the pools of words on each page made my eyes boggle, i had an epiphany. i realized that this was the time for me to start writing and take the whole i-am-writing-a-novel-one-day thing seriously. that was the point when i knew that i have read all the books and i have had all the education and experience that i needed to write a novel. all these years i had been putting off writing because i knew that i needed to read, study, live, experience, and see  more before i started writing. but when i finished vol. 6, it just hit me that now i am ready to write a novel. i have planty of material to work from. so, i have decided to give that half-written novel of mine one last and final (as in: this time i am definitely finishing it) attempt, and finally write my first young adult novel. that's one serious project for 2013.
• and, probably most importantly: leiner laura made me want to be a better writer. not only did it make me write, but, i believe, it made me write better, as well.

so, that's that list, those random but ever so important things about SZJG that have been nagging me and begging me to write them out and down. i may or may not amend and add extra items to the list, should they come to mind, though.

oh, boy, this must be the most bookish, awkward, and dorkiest post i have ever written. but what the hell, i am at (and beyond) that age when literally nothing is embarrassing anymore. especially literary stuff. 

and anyway: what is a superb book if not the one that makes you change in so many different ways and on so many different levels?

 so now i am off, keeping calm and finding my own cortez.

amendment:

one last thing i would like to add is how clearly and obviously leiner laura was influenced by the tv show gilmore girls (which btw happens to be not only my all time favorite tv show, but pretty much my religion too) upon writing these novels and creating the leading characters. starting with the fact that the whole story takes place in a well-off district of budapest and in a rather prestigious non-public school where it's rather hard to get into as the seats are numbered and taken by wealthy kids. the protagonist reni takes after rory gilmore in numerous ways: in the beginning she's this very shy, anti-social, bookish girl, who doesn't even have the courage to look at boys, let alone walking up and talking to them. she is a weirdo dorky girl, who has no taste in music or movies, doesn't even know what she likes, except for reading and cramming. she is a total bookworm, she spends every single free minute of hers with her nose in a book. she is an excellent student, a true eagerbeaver, and gets nothing but straight a-s. also works for the school paper and enters different academic competitions. textbook definition of rory gilmore, eh?

reni has no friends when she starts secondary school, then she befriends a classmate of hers (virág), who is also rather dorky, but artistic, and worships all sorts of music (remember lane?) too. virág has a dog that she names after her favorite musician, but as her taste in music changes, the dog's name also changes with it. it makes a continous punch line in the book: the girls took pete wentz for a walk. not the person though, but pete wentz the dog (remember paul anka and lorelei's dream?). 

reni has another classmate who becomes her friend eventually: kinga.  kinga is the textbook definition of paris geller: a self-appointed leader, who bosses everyone around, and does whatever she wants, and excells in everything. she is exactly like paris, even to the point of her non-academic activities, like volunteering and protesting against certain political and feminist issues. the relationship between reni and kinga is also exactly like the one between rory and paris. they are the two best students in the school, kinga never stops competing with reni (though reni doesn't care about it), she simply wants to be the best. even though their relationship is a filled with fights, arguments, and all sorts of ups and downs, they clearly need each other because they push each other academically, and more importantly: they become best friend who can count on each other in tough times. then, as the end of secondary school draws near, reni ends up winning a scholarship and plans to attend the best university in the country.

(one big difference from rory gilmore: reni is not at all as determined as rory was, in fact she has no idea what she wants to do or become when she's graduated from secondary school. in this small detail lies an enormous weakness of the character. why doesn't she have a dream or any kind of goals, eh? if she's so smart and fills her head with all sorts ideas from all the many books she thumbs through, then how come she has no dreams, no goals, no purpose? what was the point of all that reading then, eh? how come her horizon isn't broadened? it's like she spends all her time studying and cramming and reading because she has nothing better to do. but she doesn't seem to learn anything from all those books, except for earning good grades. all good and strong literary protagonists should have a dream or a goal, and they should be determined to achieve them, especially if they are females.)

some other similarities to gilmore girls: reni's mom is an awful cook, basically she cannot cook anything edible. so every time reni gets a chance, she eats out and gorges on loads of junk food. she also has a cortez box, just like rory had a dean box, in which she collect random, cortez-related items. the tension between the two important boys in reni's life is also very similar to the tension between dean and jess. though arnold was never reni's boyfriend, they were really close friends, and arnold and cortez outspokenly despise each other and fight for reni, just like dean and jess did for rory. and one last thing: reni loves gilmore girls, on numerous occasions she mentions watching it.

now, how is that for similarities?