random friday thoughts

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it's friday evening, and i should be doing a thousand other things, most of them utterly festive, like kneading gingerbread batter, baking carrot cake, making eggnog, wrapping the presents i haven't even bought yet, writing last-minute christmas cards and listening to the cheesiest, cheeriest christmas music.

but instead i am feeling exhausted, and i am wondering where has all this time gone? when did the pages of the calendar turn to the 21st, and how come there are only two days left until christmas eve? how come i haven't written any of the numerous silly holiday blog posts i've been planning to do for weeks? how come i haven't bought any presents yet (except for the single bottle of perfume i got for my mom; truth be told i never buy them earlier than the 23rd or even 24th of december.), haven't baked the gingerbread cookies yet, taken photos of all the festive prettiness filling the high street of miskolc, or done anything the slightest bit christmasy in the past two weeks? but to be honest, right now i don't care about all of this, any of this. because it doesn't really feel like christmas at all. (so, this song is back, huh?)

it's all because i got the poops in my soul. i am still heartbroken over this book series i got so helplessly addicted to (and yearning and dying to read on, but i am forcing myself to stay away, i'm still in rehab, you know?). by the way, how can you get so heartbroken from a book or a few books, eh? still, this great bitter sadness has overtaken my mind and it's weighing on my chest, and i just can't seem to be able to get rid of all that poops in my soul. so i am listening to not at all cheesy, cheery or festive music, but instead i am playing the most bittersweet tunes of the universe on endless repeat (okay, maybe it's a bit cheesy?). being the masochist that i am, i am actually kind of enjoying this great beautiful bitterness and wallowing in all of this trouble i have gotten myself into. oh, and have i mentioned that i get emotional and start weeping at the most random times in the most random situations? like in the office when i am writing totally unemotional news articles or when i am standing in the canned food isle of the supermarket and trying to pick out the best instant soups. 

still, i am trying to pull myself together, and get rid of the poops in my soul. after all, it's christmas time. this the season to be jolly, isn't it? and i have a whole lot of things to do in the next couple of days. like getting up early tomorrow morning, hitting the central market of the town with my mom and hunting down the cutest, prettiest, most beautiful smelling christmas tree. then doing some more shopping, finding the right presents, some more ornaments for the tree and another set of twinkle lights. then once i am home, i am baking a whole batch of gingerbread cookies, and once they are cool, decorating them with sweet white frosting. we are also putting up and decorating the tree in the evening. then there'll be some more baking and eggnogg making on sunday, and the beautiful festive scents of spices shall  fill the rooms of our home, along with cheesy christmas tunes in the air. and if i still have a teeny bit of free time on my hands and the slightest bit of energy in my bones, i am sitting down and typing up those silly festive posts i've thought out weeks ago.

but for now i am still wallowing. and writing in the meantime, like i always do when i need some serious therapy (who said writing was in no way therapeutic? must have been an idiot.) so i am scribbling stupid to do lists. and pointless blog posts filled with random friday thoughts. and words, loads of words in hungarian. which is kind of scary. but also kind of exciting because i am forcing myself out of my comfort zone, and that's where happiness starts, right? it's finally hungarian, because that's the scariest to me, it's the language that has got the truest of words. the truth sound truer and realer in hungarian. maybe it's time i faced it all, faced the truest of words, arranged them and put them down in the simplest expressions i have ever heard. i know it kind of makes things better and helps me healing. what i've been trying to say is that i have finally started writing this novel of mine, or restarted, or continued, or whatever the right expression is here. picked it up, and figured that i should give it yet another attempt. this time it feels more serious, more substantial. this time, maybe i'll find the right words, the right voice, and get to the end of the story. (erm, the only problem is that that's what i always say. but this time is different, really. see?) but that's a whole other story, for another day, for another post.

so don't you worry about me, enormous infinite void out there. i am going to be fine, just fine, like i always am. i just gotta write it out of my system, like i always do.

ps: i guess it's time i started this whole 'random thoughts' post-series, since the blog has got this title for over three years and all. you gotta live up to your name, you know.