Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller

...or instead: welcome home, daisy!

isn't it ironic that life hands you exactly what you wanted only when you already settled for the opposite?
my life has yet again taken some completely unexpected and thus surprising turns, and i ended up here, at home in miskolc, just what i yearned for in july. really, who would have thought just a month ago that i would be here now, writing this exact post, trying to get the story straight, explaining that crazy whatnot i've gotten myself into?

so as i mentioned in july, i had decided to stay in budapest, just for the sake of this editor gig i got going at the magazine. and since i could stay at the hostel only until august 31st, i was looking for a flat to rent in the city with two mates of mine. so after looking for something half decent for months, and checking out a few worse than half-decent ones, we finally found something very okay on one friday afternoon in early august; and even left some money for the tenant in advance, just to make sure that he would not rent it to anybody else. we were all ready and excited to move in, and figure out the details of our moving.

then three days later, out of nowhere we heard some completely shocking news at the magazine, concerning our jobs. it turned out, that the head of the company had been planning the complete and utter reorganization of the editorial staff, starting in the very near future, but no dates known for sure, whatsoever. it would mean that 2/3 of the (then) current staff would be let go, the whole editorial system reorganized, and for those remaining, fewer working hours required for less money paid. as i mentioned, this whole thing came out of nowhere, but the really shocking part was not the change itself and the fact that certain (and large number of) people would be fired, but that everything was completely uncertain. nobody knew when this whole reorganization would occur,  when we would be told not to come in and write anymore the next day. the uncertainty was killing us, and most of us started looking for a new job immediately. i felt particularly insecure, since i was the last one who had been hired, worked part time and was still spending my probation time. clearly, i didn't have to be a genius to figure that i would be the very first whom they would let go.

at the same time, at the language school things had also been totally uncertain for months, hardly any new students enrolled, very few lessons to give, no cash flow, and thus no or hardly any salaries paid. we, teachers, had to literally beg for our salaries, and they could only pay in little installments, months overdue. it got to the point that i felt embarrassed and so so awkward when i dared to ask for the money had worked for and thus earned fair and square. obviously, it was going on my nerves. i was going nuts, and ready to quit and leave as soon as the first chance came.

and, in the middle of august, on that wednesday afternoon when i learnt that i would probably be let go from the magazine, the sole reason of my staying in budapest, the chance, the sign, the lemons from life (or should i say lemonade?) did come. my life from september seemed absolutely unclear, especially financially. i knew i had to look for a new job asap, if i wanted to make ends meet, and if i really wanted to move into the flat i had found and pay the rent and all the bills that came with it. but the thing was, i did not want to look for another job, i did not want to spend yet another year in budapest, anxiety-ridden, constantly worrying whether the money i worked so hard for would be enough, or on one fine day i would get evicted due to my inability to pay. (i only wanted the editor job i had already got, but not for much longer.) so what i felt was that it - this whole struggling - just was not worth it. all this worrying, the anxiety, the getting nuts, the rushing, the running, the working, the commuting, it was just not worth it anymore. and thus, i did not want it. it was time for me to leave, to stand up, leave the table, and come home. you know, to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.

and that is exactly what i did. i came home for the long weekend of august 20, and made the ultimate decision of quitting both of my jobs in budapest and returning home. from then on, thank goodness, things went smoothly, even though i had a whole lot affairs that needed settling. first i told my friend that i could not move in with them, because i was leaving the city. luckily by next morning we found somebody who could take my room in the flat. then i quit my job at the language school. they were quite understanding there too, being completely aware of the awful situation the school had been in the previous months. they simply could not have expected me to stay much longer. then, as soon as the editor-in-chief came back from his holiday i told him that i would leave the magazine in a few days. he was also understanding, and agreed with my decision. i guess, he himself won't be staying too much longer, due to all the changing going on there, and the head requiring some other kind of work force and ethic. i also noted my one last private student about my leaving, and thus the countdown began.

 i had one last week in budapest, which i wanted to fill with a lot of going to places, visiting venues, seeing certain spots i had been putting off for god only knows how long. naturally, i wrote a long (and, alas, never ending) list, managed to tick many items off of it, but quite a few items remained unchecked. i guess it means i am bound to go back, and not leave budapest for good, only for now. in the end, august 31st came, the day of my moving home. it all went smooth, my giving last three lessons on friday, getting paperwork done, packing up the remaining unpacked stuff (oh, lord, i have so much stuff.), getting it in the car van, then hitting the road. believe it or not, there was no tear shed upon my rolling out of the city (even though i am the sobbing kind when it comes to leaving places that i had loved). i felt relieved, peaceful, glad, happy, giddy, excited even. i was looking forward to this new stage of my life i was about to embark on in miskolc. i had a smile on my face as we were hitting the highway. i could hardly wait to get home, to arrive home, to settle down. funny thing, a song by edda (the almost-legendary rock band from miskolc) came on the radio just as i caught a glimpse of  the 'welcome to borsod-abaúj-zemplén county' sign on the side of the road. it all meant to be this way, i kept thinking. life had been playing its tricky, witty, ironic game on me all the time (and teaching me major life-lessons in the meantime), but in the end, i did end up where i wanted to. isn't it ironic? don't you think?

and now i am home. somewhat settled, or at least my books are. (you know, the saying is truer than ever: home is where all of my books are.) they were the first things i unpacked and made proper room for, turning bookcases upside down and reorganizing the system just to win two extra shelves. for the first time in weeks (months? years?), i feel calm and relaxed. no stress giving me a headache, no pain in the neck, no days anxiety-ridden. i don't feel the need to worry about anything, even though i don't have a job. (but i do have a job interview tomorrow, and i have applied for a few positions.) i just know that it is going to be alright. because this is meant to be this way. all these pieces are making up the whole picture now. i still feel happy and excited. and  i still have that smile on my face, you know, the satisfied one.

ps: i really meant to write about all those places i visited in my last week in the city, they will probably come in the next posts.