25 going on 15

 have you ever loved a book so much that you just wanted to give it enormous bear hugs and hold it close and never let it go?
because it was so exciting and authentic and fun that you just couldn't put it down, you just could not stop turning page after page after page, and all of a sudden you found yourself having spent an entire three hours in a bathtub filled with bubbly water that had gone lukewarm in tha meantime. when every single free minute of the day is about reading, proceeding, going on, finding out what's going to happen next, because it's such a pageturner and so unputdownable. have you ever shrieked out loud on every other page because you were having so much fun and you could barely contain yourself to confess your ever so devoted and infinite love to it? and wanted to kiss it, every single page, becuase you felt you had such a close connection to it? because it spoke to you, and entertained you, and made you laugh out loud so bad that you had to stop reading and laugh for a solid 10 minutes, only then were you able to go on with the book, but then on the next page you had to stop again because there came another punch line, an even funnier one?

have you ever identified with the protagonists so much, that you lived your life like you were them? you felt their feelings, you faced their fears, you thought their thoughts, you shared their opinions, reacted their reactions, listen to the music they listened to? and that beautiful, cheerful feeling lingered around you day after day, 24/7 like the finest perfume, making the atmosphere sweet around you? and then all of a sudden you realized that you were completely, hopelessly addicted to it. and there was no way out, you were in this deep dark tunnel-like place from where there was  no way out, because you always wanted more and more, even more pages and chapters and volumes just so you could feed your addiction? and just like it's with other crack addicts, the addiction took over your life and you felt that you were losing yourself. sure, you were having fun while high on reading, but then as you stopped the rollercoaster went downhill and this great sadness and emptiness took over.

have you ever loved a book like that, that much, that bad? because i haven't in a very long time, and now i am, and it's awefully hard to find the rightest of words that could express completely accurately all these feelings i have in me, all these feelings that my body can hardly contain. and as i am typing this, tear after tear streams down on my face, because this book has unearthed this great bitter sadness in me and all of a sudden i am facing with all the many regrets and remorse about my teenager years i have tried to repress in the last ten years.

and the book i have been going on and on about is... a szent johanna gimi series by leiner laura. oh boy, have i fallen in love with it. never ever, not in my wildest dreams or nightmares have i ever thought that i would ever love this series this much. i only borrowed the first volume because i wanted to know what all that hype was about. curiosity got the better of me. so i read the first volume, and i most certainly wasn't impressed. i thought it was a silly little teenager book, a quick and easy read, loads of pop culture references, narrated in first person diary style, without any kind of real plot or character development. i thought it doesn't project any literary value, but at least it persuades teens to pick up a book and read the printed word. and then, when i was finished with the first one, the second one was also lying around on my shelf, becasue i borrowed the first two together from the library. so i read that one as well. and it pulled me, got me addicted, and there has been no stopping since then. i guess the author finally got the hang of it by the second volume (or maybe i did? i did bite the bate, i guess.), and found the real voice for her characters.

i really cannot remember when was the last time a book awoke such strong feelings in me. when did i have this much fun and when did i laugh out loud on every single page? it is, indeed, wonderfully written, and the author got rid of the growing pains by volume three. the dialogues are hilarious and absolutely realistic, mirroring perfectly how teenagers act and react; the plot is lively with unexpected twists and turns; and, most importantly: the developing relationship between the two leading characters are really well thought out and written wonderfully (still, it remains realistic, which is a huge plus).

 i have fallen in love completely and hopelessly with this whole world that leiner laura managed to create. it makes me want to go back and be a teenager again. i want to get out, stop being an adult, being oh so serious, and acting grown-up like with grown-up jobs and grown-up problems and and grown-up plans. i want to get out and go back, i want to be 14 again, and do it all over again. fix all the things i screwed up back then, do everything differently. do things right, and not miss out on a whole lot of things, and not let life and depression screw me up for the rest of my life. for the second time i would try harder and be a normal teenager, with normal teenager issues, i promise.

there's been 7 volumes published so far, and there's supposed to be an 8th (probably the final one) come out sometime in 2013. in the past two weeks i have read the first 5 volumes of the series, 3 of those in the past 4 days (see the kind of addiction i am dealing with?). i have already hunted down the 6th and 7th from various libraries, but now i am consciously stopping myself, taking a few steps back, trying to get my life back, forgetting about acting and feeling like a teenager, coming to terms with my regrets and accepting that i will never have the chance to do that period of my life all over again. i can never fix all the things i screwed up back then, and i can never catch up on all the things i missed out on.

nevertheless, i'll try to find and pick up my christmas cheerfulness that i have dropped along the way and forgotten about in the past few days, and focus on all the many things i should do before christmas. i'll try to read something that can cheer me up  and distract me, and make me forget about the kind of problems this series unearthed in me. and then, sometime after christmas i will read volumes 6 and 7. naturally, being such a big fan of the series, i am already thinking about rereading the whole thing all over again, but  - as fun and entertaining as it is and as much as an enormous part of me is dying to reread it - i don't think it will happen anytime soon.

for one thing, i have a whole lot of grown-up reading to do with the book challenges i signed up for; and, more importantly: i don't want to put myself through again all those terrifying and excrutiating emotions that i have recently suffered and still suffering through. it's just too exhausting and upsetting. not to mention that now my head is filled with the billion words i have read in the past week, and staring at oceans of letters on bright white screens or even hard copies make my eyes boggle. i need to take a break.

but i am still incredibly grateful and beholden to have found and read these books. and not just because they're fun, hilarious and entertaining and make me face all these issues i've been hiding from, but because i've also learnt a whole lot of things from them. about how to build and write a really superb book for teenagers, for example. and that's one really important thing i've been searching for and trying to understand and learn for a long time. ever since i was a teenager myself, i guess.

so, i salute you, leiner laura, there's no question about that. and i only wish i could ever write a novel half as fun, entertaining, realistic, unputdownable, and so valuable, as you did. thank you for all the fun you have provided me.